Assistant (to the) editor

By Melissa Tucker

Sobering reality

Posted January 4, 2008

Due to extenuating circumstances, I spent this New Year's Eve perfectly sober.

My husband and I were out of town and had to rush back so he could get to work.

That's right... work.

So, while he was out makin' the bacon, I went to my in-laws house to pick up the dog. On my way back, around 10:30 p.m., I passed through the illustrious and likely crime-free Shannon Hills — the city whose police department never sleeps ... all three of them.

It was here, I encountered my first sobriety checkpoint.

I have to admit, I was a little stoked to see how this sort of thing played out for sober people. I can imagine how the drunks fare....

Well, it went something like this:

I roll down window, officer approaches.

"License and proof of insurance, please." I hand these over. Miraculously I had current insurance on me.

Me: "Do I need to get out of the car, officer?"

Him: "Nope. If you've been drinking, I could smell it."

(Oh, so we're using the scientific method here. I get it. They must've run out of cotton swabs and test tubes.)

Then, he sees my perfectly well-behaved dog lying in the front seat looking like an angel and says to me, "I'm assuming she bites."

I'm incredulous. "Of course not, sir!"

I had brought some sweet tea in a plastic cup along for the drive and realized it probably looked suspicious. Before the officer came to my car, my first instinct was to panic and pour it out the window. (I don't know why. I guess I have self-destructive tendencies or something.) But I refrained, reminding myself it was perfectly legal to carry sweet tea around in your cupholder. No jury would convict me on that.

He shined his flashlight on the cup but never asked me about it.

Then I was free to go.

My first sobriety checkpoint.

I feel like a grown-up now.